My Brother, I will miss you....

Here it is, the "aftermath", the next days, whatever we will call it. You know how we gauge our lives so many times by "before_____" or "after______"? Well, I am in the after part now; after my brother saw Jesus....I can only imagine what a glorious sight that was. WOW!!!

But, I am here to tell you what all God has done and is continuing to do through this season. First of all, I recount the morning Craig called me from the hospital. I had been trying to call his phone and it was not on; I knew something was not right. You see, we have been living in the middle of his battle with cancer since 2009. He had good days and he had bad days. Since about November of 2010, he was in much visible pain. His days at the office seemed very labored and the pain was visible to us who know him but to others, he carried that cross like a true soldier. He conducted business as usual, not complaining at all. He was determined to take care of his family, no matter what. This is what God called him as HUSBAND/FATHER to be and do; and he did just that: He took care of and loved his family.
He called and I went to the hospital asap. As I walked into that ER room, I rushed over and put my arms around him and lay my head on his head. I cannot explain what God did exactly, but I will try. Grace literally fell as if raindrops were washing over me and forgiveness shocked through my body. Then I asked God exactly what my role was to be in the following days to come. All I heard from HIM was: love him and hold his hand; so, I did that to the very best of my ability. I stopped all extra activity and sat with Craig some days, some nights all night long at times. I made friends with the people that cared for him. I prayed over his room, his body, his wife, his children, our parents, his friends, and those on staff at Hendrick Medical Center.
This is something he would have wanted, I believe. Not only did I do this, we did this as a family.
As the days turned into weeks, I held steady my post of loving Craig and praying and holding his hand. The very last night he took breaths on this earth, Mom, Dad, and I had the opportunity to be in the room together, singing worship songs, crying, praying and praising our God. Then, I held his fragile face between my hands, told him we loved him and we believed he loved us too and a tear fell from his eye. A single tear that I wiped away and I turned and walked out. That was the last time I saw my precious brother breathing and then he left to dance with Jesus.
The story unfolds as to what God has been doing for me in this situation: deeper compassion. As he lay in his bed and could not move his legs by himself, I took lotion and massaged his feet gently to watch his face relax and be at ease. I laid my head on his chest at times and just said over and over I LOVE YOU. I stroked his forehead and massaged his temples and told him to be at peace. I never thought of myself as a compassionate person but God showed me otherwise. He showed me how to be compassionate in a new, deeper way. Thank YOU, Lord, for this time with my brother.
I also journaled this journey and will continue. The revelations that HE showed me in sitting still in this hospital room are amazing. He allowed me to sit in HIS lap and HE tenderly held me up and loved me as my pain was in my human eyes of watching my brother decline. God kept saying to me that this is not the end; the rough part will soon be over and you will see in a new way. I believe this as I prayed for spiritual eyes for months leading up to these moments. HE provided.
I can say with all certainty today that I do not regret one moment that God gave my brother and I in his last days here. I loved him. Plain and simple: I loved him, the best I know how and to the greatest ability I have been given.
Please understand that life has not always been this way for us. We have been through some very rough patches and God restored relationship between us with new, Godly boundaries. We allowed God to intervene with us and take us to where HE wanted to take us.
I would like to encourage anyone reading this to not take anything for granted and to ask God's guidance in your relationships. He will speak to you and guide you if you allow Him to do that.

The following is a glimpse out of a daily devotional/journal entry I receive daily. As I read this today, I am reminded that life is good! It certainly is not easy right now and it is quite painful but in the midst of the pain, God continues to woo me and to love me. He shelters us in the storm of life and I am thankful.

I am constantly showered in encouragement from friends. I am able to talk with my parents in a realistic view point and share spiritual insight. I know what the human eye is sensitive to but am so thoroughly encouraged as to what the spiritual eye is in tune to.

I pray today: Lord, I thank You for Your goodness. I thank YOU in the midst of storms of this life and I am ever aware that NOTHING separates me from YOUR love. May I be keenly aware of all the good and wonderful things You have created.





When your heart wakes up...




The sky stretches out its arms in the early inky blue of spring, stars flung here and there, twinkling lights that wink above the trees.
My husband and I light the fire pit, pull up chairs next to each other, turn on music, remember how it feels after winter is over.
These moments--I shut my eyes, draw in a deep breath--try to capture them, keep them, like little glimpses of heaven.
And I believe again...
that life is good
God is close
and I am loved
It's not that I ever forget. I think sometimes I just stop paying attention. I fall asleep at the wheel of life. I stop hearing what's true, stop seeing what really matters, stop feeling like who I really am.
Then God sends along a night knit together, woven with wind, filled with fire, and suddenly I am awake.
Oh, yes, my heart recalls.
I am made for more than the everyday.
I am fashioned for eternity.
Sometimes it seems I hold a speck of it in my hand.
Not much at all, really.
Just enough to jolt me back to joy.
And once again I'm a dreamer with her eyes wide open.