At another turning point

Okay, this subject is a very difficult one for me to talk about and I have been torn about whether to "expose" it or not. But here goes:
Ever since I said I do, the difficulties in marriage have been thrown at me with light speed. I do not even know where to start. The honeymoon was horrible. That is when the verbal abuse started by name calling. We spent more time with his friend than we did on our "honeymoon" phase. One evening it was so bad that I left him sitting in the restaurant after ordering my food and that was the first time I had cried myself to sleep in a very long time. I was crushed. I do not want to portray that I have no fault in any difficulties because I feel I do; I know I am anal and I like to plan ahead (way ahead); I enjoy being talked to like a human (is that too bad?); I have issues with my weight and the way I look. I have a tendency to hold onto hurts sometimes. I do not feel like any of this constitutes abuse. Our communication was so very good before the wedding and it has gone to poop after.
You know the cycle; verbal, mental, emotional, physical. Well, the physical came after a couple more episodes of the emotional. I ended up getting physical back (my BIG mistake). No justification in my eyes and I have cried out for forgiveness from my Lord. I know most of you must be thinking that I should have left after this. But it is just not that easy and there was a point in my life that I would have given the same advice. Now, as I have made a commitment to this man in marriage, and I know God despises divorce, where do I turn?
Believe me, I have cried out to God plenty and in my despair, shared my feelings, good and bad with God. I have talked with a couple of God-fearing friends and I have gone as far as to go to my pastor. It is like a cycle, up and down, up and down. He claims to be sorry but I do not feel anything is heart-felt there because it continues to happen (no more physical). And let me add that the attitude is better.
I know the anger just boils under the surface all the time. I have read many faith-based books about marriage, anger, praying, etc. I have turned this over to God and I just need to know when is too much actually too much? I want to seek God's will in my life but I also want to be around people who actually build others up, not consistently tear down.
i know you are probably thinking, didn't you discuss all of this before you were married. The answer is YES. He had all the right answers, the godly attitude in a lot of areas. I didn't expect him to be the pastor type and we all have room to grow in faith and in the Lord. Am I just rambling on? I feel like I am. I need feed back and please refrain if it is not objective.

Just another Friday....

Well, it is Friday again. It is funny how, as adults, it becomes just routine for the week and maybe a little spontaneous on the weekends, or maybe that's just after I have become married. LOL...
Anyways, I have had a pretty good week and then today just seems to be an off day. There are really no words to describe the feeling specifically, but it's just an "off" day.
I left the house frustrated because my hubby was still in bed and I ended up having to leave early to run "his" errand that is on his way to work. I have a "need" to be the caretaker and want him to look nice when he goes out of town next week. I wish I knew why it upsets me so that he couldn't get up 10 minutes earlier to run his shirts by the cleaners.
Well, enough about that....
Tomorrow, Mom, Matt, and I will be traveling to Lubbock to see Melanie. I will be praying through the day for peace on our discussion with his mother. I will support Matt's ultimate decision on what to say and how to handle her. We will also be explaining to Melanie how lying is not accepted with us and how it will be repremanded. This may not be a "fun" weekend but hopefully it will be productive.
Until next time, I am signing off and hoping everyone has a blessed weekend!